Don't You Want Me
by aBeautifulLiar
Summary: It was never supposed to end this way. Santana loved Rachel and Rachel loved Santana but it wasn't that simple. A series of Pezberry one-shots, for which I will be taking prompts.
1. It Was Never

**It Was Never**

**A/N: This one shot contains descriptions of domestic violence, which may be triggering for some people. This is also completely AU, so don't hate me too much. **

_It was never meant to be this way. _

They had been happy, their friends had commented on how amazing the two of them looked together, how it had been so surprising but their personalities just seemed to match somehow. After years of falling in love with other people, of crying in each other's arms when things didn't go according to plan, they had managed to find love in the arms of someone neither of them ever imagined falling in love with.

They could both still remember the carefree laughter, the tickle fights, the passionate arguments that usually resulted in sex, the way Santana would walk from their apartment to the theatre after every single show, to make sure Rachel never had to walk home alone. They could still remember the smiles, the vacations, the group dates, the talk about their future together and how many kids they wanted, how old they wanted to be when they got married, the careful jokes about who was going to propose to whom. They could still remember it all, which was why everything hurt so much now.

It was never supposed to hurt so much, not in this way. Rachel would close her eyes and imagine how in love she used to be, how she would find herself, so often, just staring at Santana with a huge smile on her face and butterflies in her stomach because she hadn't been so happy in such a long time. Santana tried her best to forget the good times, she wasn't that person anymore, she didn't deserve to think about how often she could make her girlfriend smile and laugh, it was all in the past. Now, all she could do was make Rachel cower from her, she had become so good at being the reason why tears were running down her pale and bruised face.

The arguments and the screaming had become too much for their one bedroom, New York apartment and Santana quickly found herself in the middle of nowhere, away from her own friends and family in an attempt to keep Rachel away from them. So much had changed; she was no longer the person she used to be, Rachel was a mere shadow of the beautiful woman she had become, and their relationship had somehow taken this dark turn neither of them could have ever expected.

The first time she had gripped Rachel a little too tightly, leaving a harsh bruise on delicate skin; she was taken aback by how sorry she _didn't _feel. She should have been able to apologize, she should have kissed it better and Rachel should have walked out right there and then. A year later and Santana still could never come up with a reason why Rachel would stay, why she would put herself through that. The ex-Broadway star would just smile sadly when Santana asked, and remind her that she loved her and as stupid as the young woman would feel for saying it, she knew it was true, they were the truest words she could have ever spoken. She thought about how her friends could only think she was an idiot for staying with the woman who abused her, but when she imagined leaving, she feared for both their lives.

She should have left at the beginning. Both of them knew that. She should have walked out there and then and never looked back but she stayed, she stayed because she was in love and with each bruise and broken bone, every hospital visit, she would repeat those words. She was loved, and she was in love, but none of it was right, neither of them were the people they had once fallen in love with.

Everything had changed, and as Rachel stared at the beautiful woman she had once fallen in love with, the cool metal of a handgun pointed to her head, she could see how they had come full circle. This was how it ended, she honestly couldn't see any other way; she had tried to walk out so many times, but she always found herself going back to her, terrified of what she would do. At the age of twenty-four, she guessed this was how her life was going to end – it wouldn't be next to the person she had married sixty years ago, it wasn't going to be peacefully, or even clean. And it wasn't going to be natural; she was meant to die at the hands of the woman who was supposed to love her more than anyone else and she wasn't going to stop her. Maybe this was the only way they could ever be at peace.

When she was nineteen, she had lost the love of her life and she had to accept it. When she was almost twenty-one, she had fallen in love again with the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. When she was approaching her twenty-third birthday, she had felt true pain at the hands of her girlfriend. And just a day before her twenty-fifth birthday, she found herself on her knees, silently crying for everything she should have had, and everything she had lost.

_It was never meant to end this way. _


	2. Love is a Strange Thing

**Love is a Strange Thing**

**A/N: This is a prompt response from 'Amazed' and will be a little less dark, but this chapter does contain references to drug use and sexual assault (I'm evil, I know). I would also like to thank Amazed for the prompt and I'm sorry if it's not what you imagined, and I also promise to anyone reading this story that the next one-shot will be fluff. **

_Eight months, five days and ten hours. _

That was how long it had been since they had been in each other's arms – they had phones, they had Skype, they still talked but it wasn't the same. Rachel longed to feel her girlfriends' arms around her, and Santana missed the way Rachel's lips felt against her own. Eight months and those three words they had been saying to each other for almost two years suddenly seemed as though they didn't mean anything. Rachel wanted to be her girlfriend to come home and Santana wanted to cry to Rachel about how much she wanted to go home. But, still, both of them pretended that everything was going to be okay, that they would somehow make it through. After all, it was just a year contract that Santana had; there was just four more months to go until she could return home.

Rachel could still remember their goodbyes, and the promises to visit often – turned out, neither of those things had happened, both of them constantly making excuses. But now, it was three days until Christmas and she had longed to spend it with her girlfriend. She never celebrated the holiday until she had joined Glee club and now, it was a tradition she had adored to spend with the woman she loved. The excuses came, on both sides, and Rachel wanted to be angry but she couldn't, she couldn't hate the woman for feeling how she felt. _Scared. _

The small brunette stared in the mirror, tears falling down her pale face as she ran her hand over her stomach. The six month bump was so perfect, but the memories were still there – she knew she could have erased this from her life completely, she could have tried to move on and forget about the entire thing and then Santana never would have known but how could she punish an innocent child for the crime of the man Rachel had trusted? Her head shook at the thought; Santana still didn't know that she was six months pregnant, the webcam always conveniently placed, always making excuses as to why she couldn't strip for her girlfriend on Skype. The other woman had no idea, but they both knew that something was wrong, that their relationship had changed.

The year contract had been the best and worst thing to ever happen to either of them – Rachel had been so happy for her girlfriend when she got the news that she would be touring with a semi-famous band, and although the goodbyes had been tearful and heartbreaking, they had made promises to each other. _When I get home, when we get through this year, I'm going to get down on one knee… I promise. _The words ran through her head often, knowing it could never happen – Santana would take one look at her and hate her. How could she blame her? No, it hadn't been wanted, she hadn't sought out to cheat on her girlfriend, she had begged him to stop but still, it was the secret that was going to tear them apart in the end.

_Eight months, six days, fifteen hours. _

Santana's head slammed against the door behind her as her entire body shook, a scream falling from her lips before her hands fisted around her hair and she curled up into a ball. She wanted to go home, she wanted to feel safe in Rachel's arms, she wanted to touch her and to feel her but she felt as though she had literally signed her life away the moment she stepped on the tour bus. Rachel could never love the person she become, and she had tried so hard to pretend as though she was okay, that she was having the time of her life and everything would be wonderful when she got back.

Quickly, she scrambled up, her hands trembling as she ran to the bed in the dark hotel room, her hand diving under the pillow before her fingers clenched around the tiny box that was so carefully placed. Tears fell down her face as she opened up the box and admired the diamond ring for a second before she slammed it down; she couldn't propose in four months, Rachel would take one look at her and hate her for the person she had managed to become. She could cover it up and pretend when they Skyped – spending hours in front of the mirror to make sure she looked perfect, just so her girlfriend would never suspect.

She couldn't let her down, she couldn't let her see the needle marks, and how could she ever expect her to trust her ever again when she got back? _If you get back; _she quickly reminded herself as she gulped and found her eyes wandering to the picture on the bedside table, a faint smile crossing her features before she let out a sigh. The two women in that picture were gone; she could see the look in Rachel's eyes whenever they spoke, how she never seemed passionate about much anymore. She had done that, she had taken away that light, just as she had managed to do to herself.

The promise of Christmas together crossed her mind, and she wondered if she could make it back home in time, tell Rachel everything and anything and hope that they could just hold each other and forgive each other for anything that had happened in the past eight months. The distance had become too much, too quickly, and she knew she couldn't lose the love of her life, not like that. Not without telling her first.

_Eight months, one week and two hours. _

Rachel sat in the apartment she had once shared with her girlfriend, smiling as her fingers ran over their smiling faces, the memories of their first vacation together flooding her mind. Her fingers traced over the grin of the other woman, as she thought about how much she missed it all, how the times they had spent together had been so good, so perfect. As she flicked the page of the photo album over, she grinned when she saw the photograph of Santana looking so carefree, the wind blowing her hair back as she looked out into the distance. She was perfect, in every single way, and Rachel could never put into words how much she missed her.

She rested a hand on her growing bump as she frowned, her thoughts wandering to all the plans she had once made. She thought about how different everything could have been; Santana was so happy, touring and getting the recognition she deserved and Rachel was left behind in New York, having to take time off the show she adored because of the rather obvious problem. Slowly, her hand moved towards her phone, pressing down on the name of the woman she had fallen in love with, the woman she missed more than she could ever put into words. _You've reached Santana Lopez, don't you feel lucky? Leave me a message, but I probably won't get back to you. _Her eyes closed when the message played, the tears falling as she sniffed, "Merry Christmas, we love you…"


	3. Never Ending Love

**Never Ending Love**

**A/N: This is a continuation of the previous one-shot, due to the wonderful reviews I got! I will also be working on the prompt given to me by 'Guest'! Please do not hesitate to send me prompts either via here, or my Tumblr account (mayrps) and I would be happy to do so! **

**Thank you for reading. **

_Nine months, twenty-three days and ten hours. _

Her hand shook, the tears fell down her pale face and she knew she couldn't go on much longer. She was counting down the days until the tour ended but it just didn't seem to be coming. Since her freak out a few weeks ago, she hadn't even spoken to her girlfriend; she had almost gone home that night and was left with a confusing voicemail that she couldn't even question Rachel on. _We love you. _Who did she mean? She had shrugged it off quickly when she heard it, figuring Kurt was there or something, never really reading too much into it.

She wanted to speak to Rachel, she wanted to see her and to hold her and to tell her she loved her to her face but how could she tell the woman who loved her more than anything, that she had a problem? She was ashamed of herself; she hated herself for ever getting into that place where she nodded her head on that first night, a line of coke in front of her, missing the woman she loved so much. It seemed like a harmless decision at the time, something that led o so much more. And she needed her girlfriend more than she had ever needed another person.

The dark haired woman shook her head as she gripped onto the sink in front of her, she had broken her contract - she had left and explained exactly why she left in the most bitter of ways. She told every single person exactly what she thought of them and she didn't leave a single fact out. As she stood in the airport toilets, she thought about how she would be in Rachel's arms soon, and she would have to tell her everything there was to know about her life in the past nine months.

_Nine months, twenty-four days and two hours. _

There was no way for her to explain to Santana now, Rachel had quickly resounded to the fact that the other woman was going to break up with her the moment she saw her. She wouldn't be able to explain quickly enough, she wouldn't be able to get those words out and let her know it wasn't consensual; it wasn't what it looked like. She knew how stupid it was, how she should have told her the moment it happened, even a week after, she probably could have gotten away with a month after at the most. Now, she was almost eight months pregnant, and she was more terrified than she had ever been before.

How simple it all would have been had she come home that night to the loving arms of the amazing woman she adored so much. How easy it could have been to tell her what happened, and apologize and beg her not to leave, if Santana had been there when she held that pregnancy test in her hands two months after. How easy it all would have been if Santana had never left. But she couldn't blame her; she had pushed her to go, to achieve her dreams, to do everything in her power to make sure she got everything she wanted and so much more. Even if it meant leaving her behind.

The small brunette let out a sigh as she moved to lie on her side, rubbing her stomach as her eyes fell to a close. Life was never easy, perhaps her life was never meant to be one full of love, and happiness, acceptance and so much more. Perhaps her life was never meant to be a part of Santana's life; it wasn't as though either of them had made the effort to talk to the other in the past few weeks, even before that. Everything had changed, everything was different and still, she couldn't let go. She was still counting down the days, the hours, the seconds until she was in her arms again, even if it was just for a moment. Even if she could only get those three words out once before Santana broke up with her; she was still counting, still praying, still longing.

_Nine months, twenty-four days and five hours. _

It was early in the morning, too early for Rachel to be awake as Santana crept into the apartment that she had only seen behind a computer screen for so long. A single tar fell down her cheeks as she frowned and looked around; everything was different, but at the same time, everything was the same. It smelt like home, it looked like home, and judging from the gentle snoring she could hear from the bedroom, the woman she thought of as her home, was fast asleep.

Suddenly, the feeling that she didn't belong almost made her turn around and walk out of the door, right there and then, but as she took a deep breath and placed her bag down on the floor, she walked towards the bedroom she had missed so much. Rachel was facing away from her, but just the sight of the other woman was enough to make Santana smile as she crept over to the bed, climbing in beside her with a grin on her face before she moved to wrap her arms around her waist. For a moment, she was too caught up in the fact she was home, she was safe and she could finally get help, and get clean, to even notice that something didn't feel right. But as her eyes shot open and she sat up, she stared at the woman next to her with shock on her face. Rachel couldn't have cheated on her, Rachel would have never and then to never tell her and to keep the baby? It had to be a mistake, this all had to be a huge mistake. Rachel would never do that to her, she denied as she shook her head, the sobs quickly overtaking her tiny body before she scrambled out of the bed when Rachel stirred.

She was pregnant. Her girlfriend was pregnant and whilst she was sure that this would be such a happy moment for most couples, it was biologically impossible for this to be a happy moment for either of the woman. When the brunette's voice broke through her thoughts, a glare quickly set in, "Were you ever going to tell me or would I have come home to a screaming baby?!" It was the first thing she had said to her in over a month and when she saw the tears rolling down the other woman's face, she quickly felt guilty. She had no ground to stand on, Rachel may have cheated on her and gotten pregnant but she was the one who had managed to get herself hooked on drugs.

"It's not what you think." She finally heard the desperation clear in both her voice and her face and then, those puppy dog eyes that Santana hated so much. Rachel wanted to explain to her girlfriend so badly, she wanted to tell her everything that she should have done all those months ago. She needed to get it all out and before Santana could leave, as quickly as she possibly could, she explained everything. How she had been driving home with a cast member from a night out, how he had raped her in the back of his car, how she had never even reported it to the police and how, when she found out she was pregnant two months later, she knew she could never give the child up or punish the child for what someone else had done.

She took a deep breath when she was done, wanting to beg for her girlfriend to forgive her but she knew it would be asking too much. The other woman had only just got home, how could Rachel ever ask her to be a mother in just a months' time? How could she ever expect her to do that when she was terrified herself?

"I came here to tell you I was checking myself into rehab." Santana mumbled, the shame on her face evident, as she wiped the tears that had fallen with the back of her hand. "I needed to come here and tell you to your face before I went; I'm supposed to check in tomorrow… I needed to let you know before." She sobbed, hating herself more than she had before she walked into the apartment because she knew she should have been there for her lover, she should have held her whilst she cried, she should have been there to comfort her. Someone had r_aped _her, violated her in one of the worst ways possible and she couldn't be there, she had never known. "Will I still have a home to come back to when I get out?" She whispered, big eyes staring up at Rachel who nodded her head without a second of hesitation.

"I love you, I love you so much, I'm so sorry… we shouldn't have done this to each other…" The Broadway star frowned as she looked down at her lap, "Every single day that has passed, I thought about how I should have told you yesterday, and how I should have told you months ago and the more time that passed, the more scared I got and… I had no idea you were going through all of this, I had no idea that you were struggling." Santana's head shook before she moved to join her girlfriend in the bed they hadn't shared for so long, as she snuggled into her side and closed her eyes.

"At least we're both hot messes." She attempted to joke, with a laugh as she slowly moved her head on top of the huge bump that her tiny girlfriend was sporting. "I'll get clean and then I'll be an amazing mother and then, when I get back, you need to promise me you will go to the police and tell them what happened. You have to promise me…" She trailed off as she ran her fingers through the other woman's hair, her lips pressed against her forehead as Rachel gave a small nod of her head. She wasn't going to be alone; neither of them would be alone, no matter what. Love was such a strange thing, and their relationship had been rocky since the moment she had left the other woman at the airport but she knew that they were so much stronger than either of them thought.

Love was such a strange, but beautiful thing.


	4. Love Bites

**Love Bites**

**A/N: This is the prompt given to me by 'guest' – I also apologise for not updating in a few days but I've been busy with work! I hope you enjoy this chapter and don't forget to send me some more prompts! **

There it was again; the distinct mark of someone's lips up against her girlfriend's skin, and all she could do was stare at it as Santana slept next to her. The tears were falling before she even knew it and she wondered, for just a moment, what it would be like to pack her bags and never look back. She was Rachel Barbra Berry; she deserved so much more than angry words and a cheating lover. She deserved so much better than what she was getting but instead, she stayed and truly, she had no idea why she bothered.

With a sigh, she moved to run her fingers through the other woman's hair; "Where did we go wrong?" She whispered, into the otherwise silent room, and she knew Santana wouldn't hear her, she knew she was fast asleep and perhaps that was why she finally felt as though she could say something without having the backlash of angry words being thrown at her afterwards. Santana could be amazing sometimes, but with every ounce of alcohol she consumed, it would only get worse. Rachel had lost count of the amount of times Santana hadn't even bothered to come home, as she stumbled in the next morning with lipstick stained clothes and new marks coating her skin. Rachel had lost count of the amount of times she had promised herself she would leave, and the times she never did.

The small brunette let out a sigh as she sat up; it was almost seven in the morning which meant Santana would be waking up soon enough to start the day the same as she had done before. Every single day was the same, and as long as Santana had a drink in her hands, the other woman would be happy. The Broadway actress had no idea when she had stopped being the person who made Santana smile, and laugh and actually feel as though she could be okay. She had no idea what she had done to make any of this happen. When had they become the couple who shouted at each other instead of talked? When did they become the kind of people who would lash out and not reach out to hold each other? And when did Santana think it would be okay to cheat on her and come home, flaunting it as though she was proud?

Rachel thought the worst thing of all was how she sat back and took it and in these dark moments, when she felt alone and no one could disturb her, she thought about how weak she had become. The first time it had happened, she had slapped the other woman and had cried in her arms for an entire night until she forgave her. The second time, she had walked out for two nights, the third time, she had burst into tears and punched Santana's chest over and over again as she tried to understand and the fourth time, she didn't even mention it, she just stared at the woman who was supposed to love her so much. And then, every single night, when she was either alone or Santana was fast asleep, that was when she let the tears fall.

The woman gulped as she slid out of the bed, doing her best not to wake up the other woman before she slowly walked out of their bedroom, she wiped at the tears that were falling down her face. She knew she couldn't do this much longer, she couldn't keep going home to an empty apartment, waiting for the door to shut whether it be at midnight, three in the morning or seven the next day. She would sit up and she would wait for the woman she loved so much, only for Santana to start a fight or completely ignore her. It barely felt like a relationship anymore, instead, it was more of a dictatorship.

The woman bit down on her lip as she opened the drawer of her desk, slipping the flyers for rehab centres they could afford out as she stared at them for a moment. And, as she always did, ever the diligent girlfriend, she walked to the kitchen and took the pain killers and a glass of iced water before she walked back to the bedroom and placed them on the bedside table with the added addition of the flyers. It was all she could do as she hoped that maybe Santana would look at her the way she used to. All she had left was how much she loved Santana and hope.


End file.
